That’s enough to bring tears to a grindstone!

He’s so hard to get along with that if his head itched, he’d scratch his ass just to be contrary.

He was grinnng like a possum sucking persimmons..

She’s sitting there grinnin’ like a jackass chomping on briars..

You best be careful or I will be all over you like white on Rice.!!!.

His breath is so bad it would knock a buzzard off a shit wagon at 50 yards.

Looks like she’s been pushed through a keyhole backwards.

Sweatin’ like a whore in church.

Looks like she was in a rake fight and everybody else had the rakes.

We are tighter than a thumb stuck up a hog’s nose.

Now that’s enuf to scare a rabid cat off a gut wagon.

Like a horse peein’ on a flat rock.

He doesn’t know enough to piss a round hole in the snow!

She’s so ugly she could stop a ten day clock.

“Well, it won’t be long now.”
response:
“That’s what the monkey said when he got his tail in the lawnmower.”

That went over like a turd in a punchbowl!

I’m so hungry, my big guts are eatin’ my little guts!

Like trying to hold a fart in a mitten.

Wow…I ate so much, I’m full as a tick!

I can’t hold what I don’t have in my hand.

She moves like the dead lice are falling off her.

Sharp as a New Orleans meatball.

Hey, man, that’s real George!
(yep — early 50′s — attributed to Stan Freeberg)

Your big stomach is eating your little stomach.

He’s about as graceful as a hog on ice.