For the sake of time – lets go with the thought that you have met someone – someone that really might interest you. It is then that emotions come to the surface.

Reality is that such really isn’t the case – just that now they are much closer to the surface than previously. All of us have within a desire to be close to someone, no matter to what degree – the desire is there. Our quest? To know and identify them for what they are vs. jumping to the wrong conclusion – either over your head or failing to see what is in front of you and missing it totally – a vast ocean of variety between the two.

Too many times women will jump to the extreme and want to see something that they want to be there vs. what is really there. From the time we were children passing notes to friends to find out if the boy that we liked indeed liked us – check ‘yes’ or ‘no’ – to the current place that we are in life when just the weight of not being with someone has brought us to the point of thinking something is there that isn’t – it has been an issue for women (men too).

The yearning to have another persons touch, a kiss, to look into another persons eyes with the desire to see all the way into their soul and that they want only to be with us and desire only us has been with us since the beginning of time. Turning a blind eye to the reality isn’t there with a particular person that we want such to be within them happens every day.

How to keep from falling into that – not always easy. Reasons why – are many.

1. We are so alone that we don’t want to see any of the ‘red flags’ that has been written about before.

2. Because of a bad past relationship, we have something to prove to our own self – and many times to the other person that was the other half of that bad relationship.

3. Because we really do not know how to date. Married to the childhood sweetheart and really never went out with someone else – unequipped in the dating world, the passing of the years to the present not helping at all.

4. We want it. Plain and simple, nothing more or less. Want it, want it now, think that we can get the other person to see and feel what we want (better known as manipulation).

On to the other extreme, failure to see what is before you. The other person really wants to get to know you better. They really are starting to care and would like to take it to a closer relationship. For a variety of reasons we miss this totally and float in the world of turning a blind eye or just plain ignoring it, even possibly just not seeing it.

How to keep from falling into this pattern – not easy. The reasons that one falls into it are many. To list a few of the reasons –

1. Have no feeling of self worth and really do not think that another person would ever really want such a relationship with us.

2. Think that the other person is ‘too good’ for us – a variation of the first put more to the point and more common.

3. Because of past relationships, don’t allow our guard down enough to see that the other person is really interested thus keeping them at a distance – sort of our own personal moat of security that protects us for a variety of reasons.

4. Because we won’t really talk to them and give them an opening to get to the point of being able to express such but instead steer any and all conversation away from and refuse to get close to the possibility of such a conversation taking place.

To get an understanding of why any of us would do any of the things listed above and those not listed we have to first know our own self and were we are at emotionally within our own life.

So just what is a relationship? It is a connection, association or involvement – for the sake of this topic, with another person. It is a connection between persons. It is an emotional connection between people. It is not just limited to a sexual involvement or affair.

What determines what a relationship is are the emotions within that relationship. For it to ever possibly be romantic, both people are going to have to somewhere along the line be in agreement that such is the direction that their relationship is headed or already at.

There is where the problem is. Too often one person will feel something that the other doesn’t. They get lost in their version and see only that version. A true example of the popular term, ‘women from Venus, men from Mars’. This is true no matter which of the extremes or betweens of the examples given.

So, just how do we overcome this pitfall? The only answer is one that is again a popular answer of the day, a buzzword even – ‘communication’. How many of us are really willing to walk up to another person, lay bare that we indeed care for them and really would like to know that if they care in a similar way? To really talk about feelings to identify if it is just because you really are wanting the relationship only to prove a point – many times to someone else? That we hate to date and really just would like to move into the relationship? That we just want it for any number of reasons – because of their job, their looks, sexual reasons – feel free to add your own example.

How often do we just not even give another person a chance at a relationship because of our own lack of feelings of self worth? That the other person is out of our ‘league’? Because we don’t want to take a chance at being hurt so just discount it from the start? Because we won’t open up enough to let anyone have the chance of being close?

To have a chance at a positive relationship we first have to understand our own self. To know what it really is that we are looking for – what issues we need to address to be able to have that in our life – be willing to admit to both positives and negatives within our self to get to that point.

Don’t think that I am saying that you have to have it all down pat and ‘know-it-all’ before you can have a relationship. If you are meeting this person from an online dating site – they too have issues – maybe not the same as yours, but they do indeed have them – - which is one of the reasons I just hate to read in some one’s profile that they are looking for a relationship with someone that ‘has no baggage’. EVERYONE has some sort of ‘baggage’ in their life. If they don’t – they haven’t lived. All ‘baggage’ is not negative. If you have children – they are ‘baggage’. Even a persons pet could be considered ‘baggage’ considering the type of relationship that they have with that pet.

What each of us must do is to at the very least know what our ‘baggage’ is. To be able to let others see it – know about it – to find out if that is the sort of ‘baggage’ is going to be the make or break in a possible relationship.

We also have to know enough about our own self to know just what are the things that we just can not allow within our own life because of a relationship that we have with another. Could it be if the other person smokes? How about if they drink every day? What if you have religious convictions that you are very strong about and the other doesn’t share your views? The list could go on and on forever – because we are individuals and each of us have points that we are not going to bend on.

These are the ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ that are found in relationships. We have to be honest with our own self and the other person. We must be willing to honestly listen to what the other person is saying – hope that they are being upfront as well. That means there has to be a certain amount of ‘trust’.

All of this is going to have you going up and down. That is NORMAL. Everyone has shades of the black and white answers to points being made. We have moods that will have us to cave on points for a period of time even though they are not a constant within the life of the individual.

Never make the mistake that there is some ‘perfect’ person out there in the world that if we could just be with them, all would be well. If we were to get into a relationship with that person – they no longer are going to be perfect if only because we are in their life. We need to face the fact that none of us are perfect and work from that point of view. One thing that I am totally certain of is that no matter what issues you have or the other person has, there will be work if you are going to have a meaningful relationship on whatever level it is that you both are wanting to have.