Ok, we have gone out and possibly met some of the people online. For whatever reason, we find that no matter what, it doesn’t seem to have the ‘sparks’ that we are looking for to move forward into the kind of relationship that we say that we are wanting. We point fingers at the other person as not having the qualities that we are wanting – maybe they don’t have the looks that we personally see as a ‘need’ to have a relationship – they didn’t do something the way that we thought that it should be done. No matter what the reason – it just isn’t happening. Time to ponder WHY we are having problems.

Something that most of us really don’t want to address is the reality that we very well may not be ready to have a serious relationship. Buzz word today for it is “baggage”. As I have written before, all ‘baggage’ is not bad – if you don’t have some baggage, you have lived a sheltered life. So what I am talking about is the ‘negative baggage’ that we very well have in our life. Before you claim that you don’t have it – better think again because ALL of us have some. Just that for some people, it doesn’t hinder relationships with other people – for others it not only will hinder but totally STOP any type of serious relationship.

Call it a protective shield, call it your personal barriers that you have in place to keep whatever it is away from you to keep you from harm and getting hurt yet again – many of us have them. We will overlook them, make concessions for them as to why they are there, we may even suggest that it isn’t there at all that it is just the way that we are. Fact is that many times this is the very reason that we DO have negative relationships – can’t find a serious relationship. We are indeed our worst enemy.

How to overcome it? First we have to admit that it is there! We have to take the time to take a long honest look at our own self. If you have problems with doing that – or you are not taking that serious hard look even when you think that you are – ask a FRIEND to be brutal with the honesty. If you are fortunate – you do indeed have such a friend – or enemy. Trust me – there are people out there that you can learn about how you are perceived by others – which is IMPORTANT because how others view you is what very well is the hindrance.

Honestly time on my part since using myself is the best example that I can use. I am an aggresive sort of person – as in I will take control and pretty well steer things where I want them to go. But instead of being open and honest about what I am doing – I lean to the manipulative and will work things to my desired path to be taken. I can and have turned off my emotions and refused to share them with another person that I was in a relationship with. While I can be a ‘touchy feelie’ sort of person – I can and will withhold such if things are not going my way – or I just plain do not want to. My perception of my own body is less than positive and frankly can’t see how any could think it in any way, shape, or form could be considered attractive. WOW! Looking at what I just wrote, it is AMAZING that I have ever even had a relationship!

Now to answer how to address that ‘negative baggage’ that I just very possibly shared in a very public way. I now will tell others when they have angered me vs. going into instant manipulative mode – that means CONVERSATION with the other person. I will admit – there are times that I very well could wait a day or two before I move in that direction – but I have started to address that issues. That means that instead of turning off emotions – mostly because I have temper issues – I just plain turn it off because I don’t want to fight. Will admit that I do love to WIN – which is another side issue to the problem that I am also addressing. I address it by CONVERSATION – if it gets heated – so be it. That doesn’t mean yelling or stomping my foot – it means talking and making my point more clear – - and GOD FORBID – - if I find out that I am WRONG – - admit it to the other person.

The fact that I can write about it seems to me at least some evidence that I am working and having some success with overcoming the problem – and it IS a problem. I also am working on the touching thing. Molested as a youth, touching even in casual passing is not easy for me – so turning it totally off is not a problem at all. I now make it a point to touch people – this is the one that I am really working on at the moment – and frankly it has been the HARDEST one to address. The others seem like a walk in the park compared to this one. Intimate touch just isn’t easy for me – while I can do it and have done it – just difficult.

Since I started working on these issues – the changes that I have personally noticed in my life. Many to be honest. I have had men that I was involved with previously notice that there is a change – just they don’t know what to do with it since – well – they seem to think that they have me all figured out. Thing is that they were only focused on the ‘negative’ – which was THEIR escape and excuse for not really taking the time for a relationship and ignoring why they even went out with someone that clearly showed them self as they were – no holds bared.

Positives is that my blood pressure has literally dropped to a level that would be good for someone half my age. While I have always smiled more than most people – several have mentioned after being around me recently that I have a ‘peace’ about me that frankly must not have had before. Always easy to be around because I can crack jokes and one up manship someone in conversations, quick with the comeback – now I just don’t seem to have that razor’s edge that I have always had, and it was indeed SHARP.

Almost forgot to mention about my own negative perception and how I have been addressing it. I have learned to say, “Thank you” when I have gotten a compliment. I also get up in the morning and while brushing my teeth look at myself and tell myself, ‘You are not bad looking at all – and for your age, you are better than most.’ When I am in the shower, I take time to admire and actually give myself positive affirmation about the changes that have taken place – especially within the last 6 months – I have lost over 50 pounds in that time – been as high in weight as 250.

I am honest with men about my lack of positive perception. I let them know upfront that I am not saying what I am saying as a means to get the compliment, but that it is something I am working on. I slip into the negative pretty easy – but working hard on this one. Frankly, I think this is just going to be a constant work in progress as it is a perception that I have had for years. It just isn’t easy for someone that was always the tomboy to think of their self as physically appealing.

So what are your personal ‘demons’ that are tormenting you – holding you back and not being the best YOU that you can and should be? How do others perceive you? Not how you think that they see you or that you want to be seen – but how do you really come off to them as a person? What are the areas that you need to address? What are the areas that you really need to work on? Are you focused on your looks? Something that you don’t like about yourself – hair, teeth, body in general, weight, size of your feet/hands, your ears, nose, etc. etc. etc. – just what is it? Is it something else – fear of talking to someone because you don’t want to sound foolish – you don’t think that they really like you at all (maybe they don’t, but is that the end of your life if they don’t) – think that they are only after one thing and it isn’t buying you a simple soda?

Till you know and address the issues/baggage in your own life – to really understand what it is that is going to be a ‘deal breaker’ in a relationship when you won’t take the time to even figure out your own issues – the chances are slim to impossible that a serious relationship where you are commited to each other and know each other, really know each other. If now is not the right time to address the issues – when is? Why not start today?